We have had a great start to our homeschooling despite all that's happened from the beginning of our school year. The kids are in Karate and Boxing, and Annie may soon start gymnastics, Matthew has decided he hates Algebra, Nicholas was nominated to be an ambassador to People to People and has the chance to go to Japan if we can raise the funds to cover his tuition next year on a summer venue, but that may/may not happen, heck we're proud of him just for being nominated. Way to go Nick!!!!! Eric our oldest pretty much thinks school now that he's a sophomore is burdensome of his time...we keep telling him he's wrong and we're praying it's just a late phase of laziness he's entered. James Jr. and Annie have made wonderful strides in math and reading, so much so that tomorrow they've earned a treat to dinner out with me and their daddy at Steak & Shake. Couldn't ask for a better start there.
But as to my absence from the blog, we lost our precious baby Jesse August 9, 2010. We were 16 weeks and devastated. Nothing could be done short of saving my life. It hurt and was one of the most painful things our family has ever experienced. Burying a baby noone should ever ever have to do.
But that's not the worst part, the worst part is people around me, I have a few friends or those I thought were friends who have either ceased in calling me or hanging out with me for whatever reasons but they act like remembering my son is the same thing as remembering something forbidden. God forbid I remember it, think about it, talk about it, acknowledge it in some way. I might be re-traumatized. I get they don't know what to do, what to say, how to act... Do they think I'm relieved that they purposefully avoid honouring my son's memory lest I shed a tear? Well, aren't they the heroes at saving my heart anymore pain?!!!
Do they really think that someone who has lost a child never wants to speak of it? I'm so sick of people pretending my child doesn't exist. I want to shout it from the rooftops: Jesse existed!".
Why do we all feel so angry and upset over this that we're willing to go to incredible lengths to force the people around us to realize we had another child?
It's because of them!!!!
Their selfish caution that they feel it's okay to deny the existence of my child completely. A child I loved, cherished, wanted, desperately prayed and hoped for, cried over and will never forget.
All I have left is a mere memory of that day. A memory of being pregnant and horrendously losing my child in a brutal delivery only to have him whisked away before I ever got to see him completely, my memory of him in the doctors hands, the blood, almost losing consciousness into some warm golden white misty void and then having to deal with bereavement people, get his death certificate, get assistance and help from the church to bury him and then picking out his casket!
How easy is it for them to forget? Good for them, I sure do hope they sleep well at night because I haven't. Let's just not talk about it. That will be better for them, right? Well, I go about my day reminded every second that I'm missing our son, our baby, our Jesse throughout my home? Well excuse me if they're offended by my anger.
I don't need people to walk on eggshells. I need them to treat me normally, treat me with respect, and treat me like a mother. At this point they can take their "good intentions" and shove it. Yes I said shove it and I know that's not very Christ-like of me, but I'm tired of those around me calling themselves my friends when a friend wouldn't treat me or my kids the way we've been treated or should I say ignored?
For those that care and have called and sent cards and well wishes and even prayed for us, a big big thank you from the bottom of my heart, that means more than you can ever know.
With all that said goodnight and thank you for reading this far! And I've got videos of the kids coming up that are a must see for those following our journey.
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